Jokes of the Day

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DaveTomneyUK

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#1
THE SINGLES BAR
A bashful man goes into a singles bar on Valentine's Day night and notices a beautiful woman sitting alone at a table. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, "Would you mind if I buy you a drink?"

She responds by shouting, "No, I won't sleep with you!"

Everyone in the pub is now staring at them. Naturally, the man is embarrassed and walks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologises. She smiles at him and says, "I'm really sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology, and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

The man slams his glass on the table and shouts, "No, I won't pay £200!"​
 

DaveTomneyUK

Owner/Founder
Staff member
#2
Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A: The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Q: What's the odd thing out - meat, eggs, wife, blowjob?
A: Blowjob - because you can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.

Q: Why is a condom a bit like a seat belt?
A: Because wearing one makes the ride much safer.

Q: What's got 90 balls and makes women sweat?
A: Bingo.

Q: Why are married men fatter than single men?
A: Single men come home, look in the fridge and go to bed. Married men come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
 

DaveTomneyUK

Owner/Founder
Staff member
#3
WHALE OF A TIME
A male and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship.

The male whale recognised it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He says to the female whale, "Let's both swim under the ship and blow out of our air hole at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink."

They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realised the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore.

The male whale was enraged that they were going to get away and shouts to the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore!"

At this point, he realised the female was becoming reluctant to follow him.

She says, "Look... I went along with the blowjob, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."​
 

DaveTomneyUK

Owner/Founder
Staff member
#4
Q: Why does Laura Bush always have to go on top?
A: Because George Bush can only fuck up.

Q: Why did god create Adam before Eve?
A: To give Adam a chance to speak.

Q: What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A: A widow.

Q: Who's the best goalkeeper in the country?
A: Johnny Durex - he saves 99 per cent of all shots.

Q: What do you call a randy dwarf?
A: A low blow.
 

DaveTomneyUK

Owner/Founder
Staff member
#5
SISTER ACT
A devout nun goes to her local GP feeling sick and is shocked when the doctor tells her she's pregnant.

The following day the knocked-up lady of god storms into the monastery where the monks live and asks, "Right, which of you dirty bastards has been masturbating over the candles?"​
 

DaveTomneyUK

Owner/Founder
Staff member
#6
Q: Why are women like condoms?
A: They spend 99% of their time in your wallet and the other 1% on your dick.

Q: What does a Gynaecologist have in common with a pizza delivery boy?
A: They can both smell it, but can't eat it.

Q: What's the link between an army drill sergeant and a flasher?
A: They both spend lots of time with their privates on parade.

Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
A: Run like hell, she has a grenade in her mouth.

Q: How do you get four suits for a pound?
A: Buy a pack of cards.
 

DaveTomneyUK

Owner/Founder
Staff member
#7
FRONT BREAST
A man is in a hotel lobby and wants to ask the receptionist a question.

As he turns to go to the front desk he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and his elbow touches her breast. Both are quite startled. So the man turns to her and says, "Ma'am - if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."​
 

DaveTomneyUK

Owner/Founder
Staff member
#8
THE DUSTMAN
A dustman is going along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his dustcart lorry. He gets to one house where the bin hasn't been left out so he has a quick look for it, goes round the back but still can't see it so he knocks on the door.

There's no answer so he knocks again, eventually a Japanese man answers. The dustman asks, "Alright mate, where's your bin?"

The Japanese man replies, "I bin on toiret."

Realising the Japanese man has misunderstood, the dustman smiles and asks, "No mate, where's your dustbin?"

The Japanese man replies, "I told you, I dustbin on toiret."

The dustman asks again (while laughing), "You misunderstand, where's your wheelie bin?"

The Japanese man says, "OK, OK, I wheelie bin having a wank, happy now?"​
 

DaveTomneyUK

Owner/Founder
Staff member
#9
Q: Why did god let women have orgasms?
A: It gives them another reason to moan.

Q: What is the difference between a woman and a coffin?
A: You come in one and go in the other.

Q: What are six inches long, three inches wide and drives women wild?
A: A £50 note.

Q: What do the Inland Revenue, an Ostrich and a Pelican all have in common?
A: They can all stick their bills up their arses.

Q: How do you know when your wife has died?
A: Sex is still the same, but the dishes start piling up.
 

DaveTomneyUK

Owner/Founder
Staff member
#10
TWO ELDERLY GENTLEMEN
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench under a tree when Arthur turns to face Jim and asks, "I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains, I know you're about my age, how do you feel?"

Jim replies, "Well, I feel just like a new-born baby."

Arthur asks, "Really, like a new-born baby?"

Jim replies, "Yep, no hair, no teeth and I think I just wet my pants."​
 

DaveTomneyUK

Owner/Founder
Staff member
#11
THE OLD DEVIL
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in a small town in England got up early and went to the local church. Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their seats while chatting about their lives, their families, etc.

Suddenly, Satan himself appeared at the front of the congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone was evacuated from the church, except for one elderly gentleman who was sitting calmly in his seat, not moving; seemingly oblivious to the fact that god's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

Now this confused Satan, so he walked up to the man and asks, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replies, "Yep, you're the devil."

Satan asks, "Aren't you afraid of me?"

The man replies, "Nope, I'm not afraid."

Satan was a little angry at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly laughed and answered, "Been married to your sister for over 52 years."​
 

DaveTomneyUK

Owner/Founder
Staff member
#12
NEW GYM MACHINE
Just been to the gym and there's a new machine. I only used it for an hour as I started to feel sick.

It's good though; it does everything - KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Crisps...​
 

DaveTomneyUK

Owner/Founder
Staff member
#13
Q: Why does an elephant have four feet?
A: It would look daft with four inches.

Q: What did the penis say to the condom?
A: Cover me, I'm going in.

Q: What do you call a gay dinosaur?
A: Mega-saur-ass.

Q: Why does a squirrel swim on it's back?
A: To keep it's nuts dry.

Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.
 

DaveTomneyUK

Owner/Founder
Staff member
#14
BAR TALK
A man walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink.

The bartender gives him his drink, accompanied by a bowl of peanuts. To his surprise, a voice comes from the peanut bowl, "You look great tonight, you really look fantastic, and that aftershave is just wonderful."

The man is obviously a little confused, but tries to ignore it. Realising he has no cigarettes, he wanders over to the cigarette machine. After inserting his money, another voice comes from the machine, "You're a TOTAL IDIOT, my god you STINK, and do you know you're almost AS UGLY AS YOUR MOTHER?"

By now, the man is extremely confused and angry. He turns to the bartender for an explanation.

The bartender responds, "Ah yes sir, the peanuts are complimentary, but the cigarette machine is out of order."​
 

DaveTomneyUK

Owner/Founder
Staff member
#15
JAIL SACKS
An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman have busted out of jail. They find an abandoned R.S.P.C.A. van with three empty sacks inside and climb in.

The police arrive, swarm the van and see the sacks. One officer decides to give them a boot and kicks the Englishman's sack and he goes, "Meow!" - so the officer thinks it's a cat.

Then he kicks the Scotsman's sack and he goes, "Woof!" - so the officer thinks it's a dog.

He then kicks the last sack and the Irishman cries out, "Potatoes!"​
 

DaveTomneyUK

Owner/Founder
Staff member
#16
THE JOB CENTRE
A man goes into the job centre in London and spots a job vacancy that reads, "Wanted: single man, willing to travel, must have own scissors. £500 a week guaranteed, plus company car and all expenses."

It sounds a bit too good to be true, so the man goes to the counter and quotes the reference number for the job.

The clerk says, "Oh, that one, it's a modelling agency here in London. They're looking for a pubic hair snipper. They supply girls who model underwear and before they go on the catwalk they report to you to snip off any wisps of pubic hair that are showing. It pays well, but there are drawbacks; it involves a lot of travel to exotic places and you have to get used to living in first class hotels."

The man replies, "Well, I'd still like to apply."

The clerk says, "OK, here's an application form and a train ticket to Manchester."

The man asks, "What do I have to go to Manchester for?"

The clerk replies, "Well, that's where the end of the queue is at the moment."​
 

DaveTomneyUK

Owner/Founder
Staff member
#17
Q: Did you hear about the couple who after 20 years of marriage, finally achieved sexual compatibility?
A: They both had headaches.

Q: What's the difference between chopped beef and pea soup?
A: Everyone can chop beef, but not everyone can pea soup.

Q: Why do men like women who wear leather?
A: Because they smell like new cars.

Q: How did the Burger King get his girlfriend pregnant?
A: He forgot to wrap his whopper.

Q: Did you hear about the man who used alcohol as a substitute for sex?
A: The first time he tried it, he got his willy stuck in the neck of the bottle.
 

DaveTomneyUK

Owner/Founder
Staff member
#18
GIFT FOR CHRISTMAS
I bought my girlfriend a recipe book for Christmas; it's called Cheap & Easy Vegetarian Cooking.

This is ideal because not only is she a vegetarian...​
 

DaveTomneyUK

Owner/Founder
Staff member
#19
BUS STOP TROUBLES
Daisy is at the front of the queue at the bus stop. When the bus pulls up, she realises her pencil skirt is too tight to allow her to climb aboard. She reaches behind her to unzip the skirt a little, to give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Daisy tries to climb up, but finds the skirt is still too tight. Reaching behind her again, she tries to unzip the skirt a little more, but still can't raise her leg high enough to get on the bus. Blushing, she slips the zip lower still.

At this point a man standing behind her picks her up by the waist and places her on the bus.

Daisy shouts, "How dare you touch me!"

The man says, "Well, after you unzipped my fly three times, I figured we were friends."​
 

DaveTomneyUK

Owner/Founder
Staff member
#20
NEW SEX POSITION
There's a new sex position in the Kama Sutra called ''The Plumber'', you stay in all day and no fucker comes.​
 
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